My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
