i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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