I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
