i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
