ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
you didnt know i had herpes?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize