he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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