she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
