woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
My boob is missing a layer of skin
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
