Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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