I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Randomize
