I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
You made out with two different species that night
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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