The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize