Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
