Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
