That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
