Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
