At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
