if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
