thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
