even my farts smell like vagina
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
