Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
