Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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