just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Randomize
