there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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