I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
