i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
