Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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