when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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