It was confusing and full of hummus
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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