He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
