be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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