i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
do nipples grow back?
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