my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
