Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
