Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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