Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
