i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
