I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
