I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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