ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
