The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
