Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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