Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
So I just went to clothing optional bar
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
