We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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