I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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