Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize