Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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