my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
