just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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