I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
