She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
