Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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