He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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