$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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