why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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