We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Randomize
