No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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