Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
